Nowadays I usually am upbeat and positive, but that day I felt crappy and emotionally hungover. I was working through some old stuff that defines my current present. It's tedious work, requiring one step at a time, sometimes two going back. I've learned over the years that I can either try to escape from my feelings or face them. My personal research brought me to the conclusion that escaping didn't work, and that the latter option is more tedious but in the long run more sustainable. I know that the pain won't kill me. Not feeling it, will. After a whole day of gloomy thoughts I went to my favourite place by the lake and sat down on a bench, wrapped into my coat, beanie and gloves. The fact that it was only the second of September, didn't make it any better!
After all those years of living in Finland, I still haven't got used to the Finnish autumn, which is decidedly colder and tougher and more abrupt than autumns I have experienced in other countries. Oh well, it was a beautiful summer while it lasted. So anyway, I sat on that bench, feeling a bit sorry for myself, lacking vision or any hope for the future, staring at the lake, hoping to find a glimpse of lightness, almost forcing a vision to appear.
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